Rant on…my anxiety on wanting to please people

The thing I don’t like about those self-help books on happiness, organizing and what-not is that some of them can be so out of touch. It makes me say “yeah…it’s do-able if you have the money or your job gave you a book advance to travel around the world for a year (a la Eat, Pray, and Love). By the way, I was not a big fan of Eat, Pray, and Love. Instead of buying self-help books on happiness and well being, create your  own.

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Took a yoga class this week and I don’t recall feeling anxious or stressed out in a yoga class–something is definitely wrong here and I will try to attend one yoga class per week on top of my other workout/active lifestyle regime.

A few weeks ago I was talking to an old friend I haven’t seen in a long while. She was telling me that she wanted to keep a low profile because she just got out of a break up. Instead of going to her friends, she just did her own thing for a while and after seeing her again she seems happier and did some growing up on the way. I know some people wonder why do you need to be away from your friends? Maybe figuring out things yourself might be the answer and you just need to focus. Maybe she didn’t want to be distracted or pushed with different answers. I did wonder why she was MIA for a while but now I understand.

I feel lately I’ve been overwhelmed and cluttered and spending with people has just become more of an obligation rather than just good old spending time you know. I guess I just got tired of the balancing or juggling act of making myself happy and other people happy. I’ve always been told that you can’t help other people if you can’t help yourself and also I’ve always been told that if these people are really your friends they’ll always allow you back–they’ll understand. Trying to focus on taking time for yourself isn’t burning bridges — you’re just taking a break. You just need some space and some breathing room or maybe its just me…the desire to make people happy just became more of a chore and it’s different from most chores. I mean if you forget to sweep the floor that week,the worst that happens is that it gets dusty. If you forgot to text the person back or text them a half hour later because you were in the shower, they take it personally and fume with frustration–see, a different type of chore.

I know some people go to extremes by going across the country or the world but for me…I’m still within proximity. Everything familiar to me is still in SoCal and it’s not like I can afford to take time off and buy a plane ticket to travel around the world to just get away–same with lots of people. Maybe I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed lately and I felt like I haven’t quite accomplished the things I wanted to do. So my ideal typical day goes like this: at the end of the workday I think to myself I want to go to the gym and afterwards have dinner, clean up, check up on my mail, and watch TV. The reality is I go home, I go to the gym depending on how not tired I am or I don’t work out the whole 40 minutes to an hour, I eat dinner, I DON’T clean up, I DON’T open my mail (I dread the pile of envelopes, thank god for e-mails though), and I go straight to watching TV and/or someone calls/IMs me about whatever qualms or complains when I really want to watch TV or when I really want to put away my laundry or fix my desk or rearrange my furniture.

I guess the root my anxiety as I rant on is my wanting to constantly please people because after talking things through the question I get asked is “it seems like you’re doing your own thing but what is stopping you?” Then I explain X, Y, and Z because let’s say you do have plans but once in a while I want to say no because I want to do something else. I’m just saying “yes” because if I say “no” then it becomes personal and then I get asked “how so?” and then bring times X, Y, and Z. Then I talk about what I really want. Anyways here’s what I really want to focus on:

- trying to take control of my finances

- Focus on making new friends instead of trying to make my high school friend’s friends like me. I want to pick out my own friends who aren’t phony and superficial. It made me think about the time back at UCLA when I told my counselor what would’ve made my UCLA experience better was to focus on making new friends at UCLA instead of spending so much time and repairing my relationships with my friends from my hometown (FYI, my hometown was only about 30 miles away from UCLA so there you go again proximity). I was explaining to her that there were times when disappointed how strained my relationships were becoming with my friends back in my hometown, it did affect my performance at school. I feel living  and working in a new city is not any different. Also a couple months back, my coworker invited me over for a BBQ party and there I met some people I’d like to hang out with sometimes and I regret for not asking for their facebook or phone number. It made me realize that I’ve been living in SD for 11 months at that time and I didn’t make the active effort to get out of my comfort zone to make friends. I hope my coworker holds another BBQ party and I get to see them again.

- Have an active and healthy lifestyle–I think if I can maintain this all falls into place :-). Maybe it’ll go so well I can do this:

I just hope to feel more balanced again. Look, I’m not trying to go to that extreme with my friend did when she didn’t respond to us for several weeks and magically appear and tell everyone what she’s been up. I think I just want to do a clean slate, count in what’s important and add things on the way when things go well.

A soothing touch

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Ooh in love with the curtains I just added last night. I told my coworker that I would not want to move in with a boyfriend because I like decorating my space too much. But you know he better not hate anything I make–I worked so hard to make the place look nice.

Still updating from my Droid

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So my upcoming project I am repainting my walls in my room. FYI

my floors are the

most impossible color to complement my room, thanks to a nice coworker who gave me a tome worth of paint swatches I decided to go for a light neutral peach color.

God looking at my current

wal

ls it

looks like these people bought the samples and

did not bother finishing it. I noticed each side of the room is of a differe

nt finish–

quite tacky.